I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
They did not think through this water fountain
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Dude just wanted a popsicle…