If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.