I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
This is the best one I’ve seen
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Legend 🤣🤣
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.