This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Happens to everyone.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”