a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
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[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
🙋♀️
my fav colour is also hitler
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.