Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
🛁
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.