Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
opening twitter today
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.