I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.