“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
This was a bad idea all around
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
i want to work in this restaurant
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.