[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
You Might Also Like
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Why soy sad?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.