*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.