Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone