M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.