Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
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i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
nature’s most graceful animal
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.