[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
The 6 types of sex
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Had an epiphany today.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”