Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
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I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
🤭😂
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.