*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
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I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
this country is so goddamn polarized
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.