DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain