Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Lol.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
That earthquake could have been an email.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.