The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.