I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer