So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
the greatest twitter interaction
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”