Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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Stick it to the man
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank