my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC