[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
This kid is a star!
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie