If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
#inspiration #foodforthought
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.