No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
sigh
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.