I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
classic mixup