I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.