Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ