Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.