My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.