Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”