a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work