Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I ate everything, including the H.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?