Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE