[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in