If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.