I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I just love that new Pope smell.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
got so much cardio in today
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.