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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*