If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”