A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
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what my late-night hot pocket sees
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye