[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.