Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.