Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I like long walks away from everyone
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?