TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)