I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
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App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
starting a garage orchestra
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?