Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Every time.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever