First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.