* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves